don't get twitchy

Today has been a restful day but difficult for various reasons. I wanted this afternoon to be a time of sitting down and really processing through some of the deeper issues that we are faced with on a daily basis, some of what we have been talking about as a group and some of the issues we have been reading about. However, most of my day has been spent stewing and then praying and repenting and then stewing again. See, an indignation rises up in me when I feel like I have been wronged or when I feel like someone is trying to control me in some way. I like to be the one in control. The issue I am upset about is not a big issue and my response of being so irritated is a hideous side of myself that I hate to admit is even there! I set out to have this afternoon be a time of reflecting and talking with the Lord about issues concerning the poor and oppression and what my response should be. The Lord is faithful though to work on my own heart and my realationship with Him before I can dive into those deeper issues. So, this ugly issue of pride and arrogance is what I feel the majority of my day was spent thinking and praying about. It was a good day in the sense of growth but not a very fun thing to see such filth in my heart. I do think/hope that the Lord has helped me to understand that my own sense of entitlement is what I feel like was challenged. This revealation carries over into other issues concering the poor. When you are serving and living among the poor, I believe that you really need to know what our rights are and more importantly what they are not. When Jesus came and dwelt among us, He gave up ALL His heavenly rights and put Himself on our level. He had access to all power under heaven and yet He humbly submitted Himself to the Father and to what the Father wanted Him to do. We have been talking a lot about this becuase of a book that we are currently reading (Missions and Money). How do I think that I can truly rid myself of my belief in my American/wealthy entitlements (clean place to sleep, healthy food to eat, running water, access to meds, access to comfort, access to entertainment, etc) in order to put myself in the shoes of the poor, if I can't even get over my own sense of entitlements among people I am serving with?! It really is an issue that is difficult to come to terms with. When we look at the poor we all believe that they have the rights to the same things we do...to clean water, to food, to a place to live and to education. Do we think that they have the rights to more than just the basics? Do we believe that they have the right to a TV, to a cell phone, to a comfortable place to live and not just a 10x10 room? What are the things that we see as necessaties that they don't have access to and if they did have access would we think that they were being lavish? I have noticed this in my own thoughts and the thoughts of others here. We would like to say it isn't true but it is there and rears it's ugly head. The Lighthouse kids want a cell phone and so they are told that is an extravagance and that they cannot spend their money on one. Yet, everyone telling them that has one and wouldn't live without it here. Is it wrong to have a cell phone? No, but the double standard is not okay and our having one and them not having one does make it seem hard to say that we are identifying with the poor in all ways. I don't have the answer for this, it is just something I am thinking about and processing through right now. What is my response to following Jesus and living as He would have me live? What brings Him glory and what harms my testimony and witness? All questions that I need to be asking myself. So, anyway, this might be all over the place but I am not going to go back and reread and edit it. I am just being vulnerable with what the Lord is doing in my heart today. He has been sweet to me and despite the heavy questions and the terrible pride of mine that is dying a slow death, I have found rest in Him and it has been a sweet day. All questions are not answered but my rest is in the fact that He is with me and is faithful to bring to completion the good work He has started in me. I have peace in resting in His hands. We read Psalm 139 this morning during our community prayer morning. It is a sweet reminder that He has made us and knows us inside and out. He loves me despite the fact all the ugliness that I see in myself.

Well, I suppose this is long enough for now...wow, thanks for bearing with me. I don't know if I will post Thursday or not, so just in case I don't HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all.