fading

One week ago today I was saying Good-Bye to those I loved in Freetown and now here I sit at my mom’s house after opening all my Christmas gifts completely immersed back into life in Omaha. When I came back from Freetown, I was noticabley darker than those around me from all our time in the sun. It is a fun and noticeable reminder of my time away. However, I have noticed it is fading. What brings tears to my eyes is that I feel like more than just my tan is fading and we have only been back a week!! Freetown seems like a lifetime ago and a world away. When I first got home, I felt like I had been dropped onto a different planet. One that looked familiar and seemed like somewhere I should know but one that definitely felt foreign. I would think of Freetown and I would long to be back. Faye had told us that transitioning back home would be difficult. She gave us the example that we are from a yellow world and went to a blue world that we are coming back green and we will feel like we don’t fit. When we first got home, all I could think about was how blue-green I felt and I didn’t think I would ever feel “normal” here. What grieves my heart the most is that it is already getting easier…..I think some of the blue is being washed away and that tears my heart up. Being Christmas week, I think I have been thrown back into the swing of life here faster than I would have allowed myself had it been a different time of the year. Our world holds many decadent distractions…entertainment galore, decadence in every area of life and the permeating “need” for more things that make you fit better in this world. I am sad that I am already finding myself slipping back into these thought patterns and even letting my schedule me filled up so quickly. I have barely spent any time with the Lord the past few days and I am feeling so dry. I feel like I need Him and His presence more now than I did when I went to Freetown. My heart has been battling lots of lies the past few days about my own worth and the value of my time in Sierra Leone. I have been bombarded with thoughts that I made the time out to be more important than it was, or that I wasn’t effective in my time there, or that even though I am heart broken about being away from the kids that they really don’t miss me, that I don’t fit here and that I am not missed there. I know with my intellect that these are lies…I can see that as clear as day. However, somehow my heart is heavy and saddened when these thoughts come by force. I have been busy and have let myself be distracted by things to do and by entertainment. I need to make Jesus a priority and set some time aside to be with Him. The other day I was so overwhelmed that I pulled off to the side of the road and spent about 10 mins or so praying and being with the Lord. That time has gotten me through the past few days. He is so good and kind and faithful to meet me every time I seek Him. I just need to seek Him more. I know that this post is not exactly uplifting and happy but this is where I am at right now and I need your prayers. My mind is all over the place and so I will try to post more often, so that I can process more of what I am feeling. That will be good accountability for me to process these things out loud.