Brothers Karamazov

I just thought I would share with you all that I am reading a fabulous book, which most of you may have already read when younger and more tenacious about exposing yourself to classic literature. My exposure to most of the timeless masterpieces has been limited. However, I am at a place in my life where reading them is a priority and utter delight. And so this is what I want to share with you. The book that I am currently reading is 'The Brothers Karamazov' by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. I have heard some say that the details are a bit laborious but I have not found that to be true. I love the intricacy of the writing and care that the author has taken to say something profound even in the minutia. I am only a couple of hundred pages into it but the spiritual insight and truths that have already been introduced are thought provoking and worth contemplation. So, as some of you may have already read this lovely work of art and know what I am talking about, I am passing on a good word to the rest of you....you should pick this book up if you ever have a chance!

Here is an excerpt that I particularly enjoyed (not that I fully agree but I still find it beautiful)...this is being said by a distinguished and honorable elder of the church to a woman wrestling with her lack of faith in the future life....the 'enigma', as she puts it. This was the elder's response to her about how she could convince herself....

"By the experience of active love. Strive to love your neighbour actively and indefatigably. In as far as you advance in love you will grow surer of the reality of God and of the immortality of your soul. If you attain to perfect self-forgetfulness in the love of your neighbour, then you will believe without doubt, and no doubt can possibly enter your soul. This has been tried. This is certain."

5 months

I have been home for over 5 months……which is longer than I was in Sierra Leone. The time has gone by at a record speed. It makes me sad to feel the distance that the time has put between me and those I love in Freetown. My life is forever changed, their finger prints are all over my heart…. but they feel faded a bit…in a way, they feel disconnected. I still ache to be with them, to hear their laughter and feel the strength of their love. But, I am ashamed to admit that busyness has separated me from them. I do not want them to be a sexy story that is part of my life. They deserve more than that. They deserve the dignity of being missed and thought of and prayed for! This is something that I haven’t taken the time to prioritize. To be honest, I haven’t taken much time for reflection and quiet since I started at Mosaic in many areas of my life. But enough is enough. It is time to start processing (for lack of a better word) all the various issues and areas of my heart that I trying to come to terms with….and so that is why I am back to blogging. You all have been wonderful about asking me to continue processing and sharing with you what I am up to these days. So, if you will allow me and will go with me, I would love to process through these things with you. I will try to update my blog often as I am unpacking what the Lord is showing me and the issues that I am coming to terms with.

So, as I am unpacking issues that are arising, it would probably be helpful if I were to share what I am actually doing with my days. Many of you have asked and I am sorry that I haven’t taken the time to share until now. In February, I officially started working at Mosaic Community Development (http://www.mosaiccd.org/) as an Americorp Vista. Mosaic is a non-profit in Omaha that directly works with the poor. Mosaic is a relationally driven ministry that emphasizes knowing the people we are serving and not just doling out food, clothing or services. I had been involved with Mosaic before I went to Sierra Leone via one of the ministries, Life on the Brick, and loved it. Life on the Brick is our “feeding program” and is the time during the week when we have the privilege of serving meals to the community and engaging in relationship with those that join us. We serve dinner ever Monday evening and breakfast every Saturday but more than the food... we offer friendship. The ministry is a perfect fit for my little relational-self! :)

So, back to my job…my specific duties at Mosaic are to take care of all of our finances, along with coordinating our Life Transitions program and assisting in making Life on the Brick happen. My plate is very full but I cannot tell you how much I love what I am doing. I enjoy that even though I am doing administrative tasks, I am thriving at giving my life and skills to the poor. It is also a perfect fit because relationship with those we serve is priority and so I get to take work time to invest into my friends here. I cannot imagine a better job for me!

Well that is all for now...I know it is long but it has been awhile since I shared. From here on out, this will be journey of working at Mosaic, asking the Lord why Omaha, what serving the poor really means and the many other questions and issues that I am wrestling with these days.

Thank you SO much for your interest and support that you have given to me as I am pursuing what it means to serve the poor with my life!

sadness

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping and instead I am overcome with sadness. I have recently discovered the complex world of myspace. Good grief, can one spend a lot of time on that thing or what! I linked from one friend to another of their friends and found myself on the space of someone who used to live in Sierra Leone and work with the Lighthouse kids. Their page was beautiful and made me weep. There were the lovely faces of my friends, younger but still the same kids, staring back at me. I feel like the heart break is getting worse lately. It is odd but that is actually comforting for me. It makes me feel real and my time there seem more important. I think the newness of being home is wearing off a bit and the reality of being so far away and my time there seeming so distant is sinking in. I am relieved a bit that all it takes is seeing a picture of the kids to make me just break down in tears. I know that sounds odd, but I can't tell you how refreshing this good ole fashioned cry has been for my heart. I miss their joy and their laughter. I miss their spontaneity and their vibrancy. I miss their singing and their dancing. I miss their friendship and their insight and strength. I just miss them and I am really sad that I am here right now trying to live this life without them in it. I trust Jesus and I know that this is where I am at for now, I am just wondering why at this moment it is here that He has me and if my deep love for these kids is worth anything to Him. Will it be used? Was it used? How long will it hurt this deeply? When will I get to sit and talk with them again and hug them and see their wonderful faces?

new chapter

I have been back in Omaha for 3 weeks now. I have enjoyed spending time with my friends and family that I love so much. I am enjoying having my days free, which is something I have never experienced before. However, it is time for me to go back to work. The Lord has flung open the door for me to work full time with Mosaic Community Development here in Omaha. I will not do it justice by describing all the amazing things that they are part of....so here is the website for you to check it out on your own....http://www.mosaiccd.org/.. I am sure most of you know me well enough to know how excited I am to work with an organization like this that cares for the poor. I am thankful that the Lord heard my prayer and provided a way for me to do something meaningful with my days that impacts the poor in a positive way. Some of you may be asking whether or not I want to go back to Sierra Leone. The answer to that simply is YES! I do want to go back and I think I will someday, to visit at the very least.

When I was preparing to come back from Sierra Leone, I was doing a lot of praying and thinking about what would be next for me. I knew there was a big part of my heart that felt pulled to be there but something was telling me not to commit to that and to wait until I got back here to put all things in perspective and make a decision. Since the moment I got back into Omaha, I have just known this is where I am to be .... at least FOR NOW. I cannot explain why exactly or if this means long term or what, but I know that the Lord has me here to minister to the poor of my own community. These are people that I love and I feel the like the Lord has been telling me I am responsible to minister and show His love to.

SO, until He tells me otherwise, Omaha is where I am at. I miss Freetown every day and random things still make me cry. Seeing pictures of the kids, watching a video from Freetown, random songs on the radio or sometimes my memories just take me back there and my heart is overwhelmed with how much I miss their beautiful faces and warm smiles. I have enjoyed being with those I love here, but I have yet to be able to say that I am "happy to be home". My heart is thousands of miles away and aches to be with all the kids that I fell in love with. However, I have a peace and excitement for what the Lord has for me here and I know beyond anything doubt can touch that this is what I am supposed to be doing.

It is hard to reconcile those two truths but that is just how it is for now.

2007

Happy New Year!

Wow, it is really 2007. Good grief, that is hard to get my head around! I hope that you are excited for 2007 and can look back and be thankful for a beautiful 2006. Even if it wasn't ALL beautiful, my hope is that you can see beauty somewhere in it!

So, I have been back in Omaha for over two weeks now and they been a blurr. I can't believe that we have been out of Freetown for this long and yet at the same time I can't believe it has only been two weeks. I feel like so much has changed. Mostly, I think I have become more comfortable here and that makes me feel like Freetown is a lifetime away. I thought it would be so much longer before I could say that.

The transition back has not been nearly as tramatizing as I thought it was going to be. Yet, at the same time, I had no idea that a heart could actually ache this much. I miss the kids so much so that my heart actually feels like it is breaking at times. I will randomly think about one of them and I can't keep the tears back. Most days I do pretty well holding it together and then there are times like tonight when I am just a weepy mess. I am getting pictures together to send back to Sierra Leone with a man who is traveling there next week. I have piles and piles of pictures everywhere. The faces and smiles of all those that I love and miss with all my heart, memories all staring back at me. They make me feel rich to have them in my heart and at the same time I long to see their smiles just one more time and to hug them just once more.

I don't know how much longer I will keep updating my blog. I will probably keep it for awhile, especially as I transition back to life in Omaha and to what the Lord has next for me. Thank you for reading and for supporting me! I am excited about the future and confident that the Lord is directing me. My prayer is that His will be done and His kingdom be evident in my life!! I will share more about what is next as soon as I know for sure what I will be doing. I should know in a couple of days.

Thank you so much for all your love and support and for welcoming me back with open arms and open hearts. It has meant the world to me that so many of you have asked me to share about my trip and to see pictures. I feel so blessed and taken care of by all of you! It means a lot to me that those I love here want to know about those I love in Sierra Leone. Please keep me asking me about them and my time in Freetown. I may not always know exactly what to say but I long to share my friends and my experiences with you!

The picture is from our last day in Freetown. This was our family shot with the Zizers.