sadness

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping and instead I am overcome with sadness. I have recently discovered the complex world of myspace. Good grief, can one spend a lot of time on that thing or what! I linked from one friend to another of their friends and found myself on the space of someone who used to live in Sierra Leone and work with the Lighthouse kids. Their page was beautiful and made me weep. There were the lovely faces of my friends, younger but still the same kids, staring back at me. I feel like the heart break is getting worse lately. It is odd but that is actually comforting for me. It makes me feel real and my time there seem more important. I think the newness of being home is wearing off a bit and the reality of being so far away and my time there seeming so distant is sinking in. I am relieved a bit that all it takes is seeing a picture of the kids to make me just break down in tears. I know that sounds odd, but I can't tell you how refreshing this good ole fashioned cry has been for my heart. I miss their joy and their laughter. I miss their spontaneity and their vibrancy. I miss their singing and their dancing. I miss their friendship and their insight and strength. I just miss them and I am really sad that I am here right now trying to live this life without them in it. I trust Jesus and I know that this is where I am at for now, I am just wondering why at this moment it is here that He has me and if my deep love for these kids is worth anything to Him. Will it be used? Was it used? How long will it hurt this deeply? When will I get to sit and talk with them again and hug them and see their wonderful faces?

new chapter

I have been back in Omaha for 3 weeks now. I have enjoyed spending time with my friends and family that I love so much. I am enjoying having my days free, which is something I have never experienced before. However, it is time for me to go back to work. The Lord has flung open the door for me to work full time with Mosaic Community Development here in Omaha. I will not do it justice by describing all the amazing things that they are part of....so here is the website for you to check it out on your own....http://www.mosaiccd.org/.. I am sure most of you know me well enough to know how excited I am to work with an organization like this that cares for the poor. I am thankful that the Lord heard my prayer and provided a way for me to do something meaningful with my days that impacts the poor in a positive way. Some of you may be asking whether or not I want to go back to Sierra Leone. The answer to that simply is YES! I do want to go back and I think I will someday, to visit at the very least.

When I was preparing to come back from Sierra Leone, I was doing a lot of praying and thinking about what would be next for me. I knew there was a big part of my heart that felt pulled to be there but something was telling me not to commit to that and to wait until I got back here to put all things in perspective and make a decision. Since the moment I got back into Omaha, I have just known this is where I am to be .... at least FOR NOW. I cannot explain why exactly or if this means long term or what, but I know that the Lord has me here to minister to the poor of my own community. These are people that I love and I feel the like the Lord has been telling me I am responsible to minister and show His love to.

SO, until He tells me otherwise, Omaha is where I am at. I miss Freetown every day and random things still make me cry. Seeing pictures of the kids, watching a video from Freetown, random songs on the radio or sometimes my memories just take me back there and my heart is overwhelmed with how much I miss their beautiful faces and warm smiles. I have enjoyed being with those I love here, but I have yet to be able to say that I am "happy to be home". My heart is thousands of miles away and aches to be with all the kids that I fell in love with. However, I have a peace and excitement for what the Lord has for me here and I know beyond anything doubt can touch that this is what I am supposed to be doing.

It is hard to reconcile those two truths but that is just how it is for now.

2007

Happy New Year!

Wow, it is really 2007. Good grief, that is hard to get my head around! I hope that you are excited for 2007 and can look back and be thankful for a beautiful 2006. Even if it wasn't ALL beautiful, my hope is that you can see beauty somewhere in it!

So, I have been back in Omaha for over two weeks now and they been a blurr. I can't believe that we have been out of Freetown for this long and yet at the same time I can't believe it has only been two weeks. I feel like so much has changed. Mostly, I think I have become more comfortable here and that makes me feel like Freetown is a lifetime away. I thought it would be so much longer before I could say that.

The transition back has not been nearly as tramatizing as I thought it was going to be. Yet, at the same time, I had no idea that a heart could actually ache this much. I miss the kids so much so that my heart actually feels like it is breaking at times. I will randomly think about one of them and I can't keep the tears back. Most days I do pretty well holding it together and then there are times like tonight when I am just a weepy mess. I am getting pictures together to send back to Sierra Leone with a man who is traveling there next week. I have piles and piles of pictures everywhere. The faces and smiles of all those that I love and miss with all my heart, memories all staring back at me. They make me feel rich to have them in my heart and at the same time I long to see their smiles just one more time and to hug them just once more.

I don't know how much longer I will keep updating my blog. I will probably keep it for awhile, especially as I transition back to life in Omaha and to what the Lord has next for me. Thank you for reading and for supporting me! I am excited about the future and confident that the Lord is directing me. My prayer is that His will be done and His kingdom be evident in my life!! I will share more about what is next as soon as I know for sure what I will be doing. I should know in a couple of days.

Thank you so much for all your love and support and for welcoming me back with open arms and open hearts. It has meant the world to me that so many of you have asked me to share about my trip and to see pictures. I feel so blessed and taken care of by all of you! It means a lot to me that those I love here want to know about those I love in Sierra Leone. Please keep me asking me about them and my time in Freetown. I may not always know exactly what to say but I long to share my friends and my experiences with you!

The picture is from our last day in Freetown. This was our family shot with the Zizers.